


What I Needed to Say

by culaccino



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Marijuana, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, basically Connor writes a suicide note to Miguel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 13:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17060957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/culaccino/pseuds/culaccino
Summary: Alone in the park, well past when everyone else should be asleep, Connor swallows the bottle of pills he stole from the medicine cabinet. Before he goes, however, he thinks back on possibly the only good thing in his life: Miguel.He writes his suicide note to him, but in the end realizes nobody can see it.





	What I Needed to Say

_What the fuck do I even write?_

Because that’s what you do when you’re going to kill yourself, right? Connor had the piece of paper and a pen in his grip, because he was supposed to leave behind a note for his loved ones. Right? That’s what they all did, when you hear about tragic suicides – there are letters to wives, husbands, mothers, best friends…people who will miss you.

 

Connor couldn’t think about anyone who would miss him though. At least, not in his family. Larry had given up on him a long time ago, resorting to punishment after punishment and then getting upset when Connor didn’t respond well to them. Not that he could control when he snapped at people and began screaming, or when he punched a hole in the wall, or when he slammed his door so forcefully the house shook. His door had been taken off its hinges the next day.

 

And his mom would get over it. Maybe she cared, but it was just because he was her son and she had to love him. She couldn’t just not love her son, because that’s not what good mothers did, and she was a quote-on-quote good mother. She wasn’t bad, Connor thought as he pondered it, flipping the bottle of Cynthia’s sleeping medications between the fingers of the hand not holding the pen and paper. She just never knew how to help. Nobody did though.

 

Not even Connor. But he figured this was the best outcome.

 

And then there was Zoe. He loved Zoe, and he’d always had those protective big brother instincts when people confronted her at school, but he couldn’t exactly tell her that. He couldn’t be the brother he wanted to be because of how often he’d gone after her. If he apologized every time his control slipped away from him, it would lose meaning. He’d keep fucking up, he’d keep apologizing. Zoe would become immune to the apology, no matter how true it was.

 

Connor decided he wanted to smoke one more joint before he left forever. So he set everything down and lit up the one he had in his pocket, coming to a realization halfway through, only mildly feeling the high.

 

 _Miguel_.

 

He cared about Connor. And Connor knew that. Connor was the one who pushed him away and left and only realized his mistake a month later, when Miguel didn’t seem to care anymore. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he’d gotten over Connor.

 

Either way, Connor put out the joint and picked up the piece of paper.

 

_M-_

_I want to start off by saying I’m sorry. And I know that means nothing right now. I might_ _not mean anything to you anymore, but you still mean a lot to me. It’s been three months since I ran out on you. I just couldn’t let you get close to me. I was scared. You claimed you didn’t know me very well, but you actually knew me better than anyone else. You knew the good parts. You were the only one who got to see me smile, or laugh, or even just relax for one goddamn minute. And I loved all of that, I just got freaked out by it. It wasn’t normal to me and whenever my life is going relatively well that just means that something horrible is right around the corner._

_Karma though. I was the horrible thing. I ruined it. I ruined us._

_Because I let you see the scars. That one day. I didn’t even mean to let you see them but that’s what happens when I let my guard down I guess. And I didn’t want you to see the bad parts of me. You thought I was some great person. Innocent. That’s what you called me. You thought I was all bark and no bite and when I’m in control, maybe that’s true. But I have this Jekyll and Hyde thing I guess._

_I’m a monster, Miguel. The bad things? I don’t get along with anyone in my family. That’s why we always went to your house. That and I love your mom. She actually liked me, she trusted me. My parents don’t. My mom thinks some miracle diet or some yoga will cure me. My dad thinks I need to be treated like a criminal and maybe that’ll whip me into shape. And things with Zoe aren’t good. If she says anything to me I snap. I threatened to kill her once, and I don’t know what I would’ve done if she hadn’t locked her door before I got there. I get into fights with them every night, more often my dad because I’ve been told we’re so similar and strong headed and stubborn that neither of us will give up._

_But now I’m giving up. And I’m sorry._

_I’m writing this letter to you because I think you’re the only one who will miss me. Like, truly miss me. Maybe you won’t, I don’t know._

_I’m sorry for running out on you. I’m sorry for ruining things. I’m sorry for not trying harder. I’m sorry for giving up. But I can’t do it anymore. Every single day is harder than the last one. My head hurts constantly and I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and I’m just falling apart at the fucking seams._

_I’m sorry._

_I love you._

_Connor_

Connor looked over the letter a couple times, not even noticing the tears falling down his cheeks. With shaking hands, he grabbed his lighter again and watched as the letter burned to nothing, just like he would soon enough.

 

He picked up the pill bottle again, unscrewing the lid and shaking half of them into his hand. He’d do it in two doses.

 

_Here goes nothing._

 

The last thing he saw was the swingset across the park blurring out of view. 


End file.
